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This a list of the proverbs that are at the end credits of each Night Vale podcast.
1. Look to the north. Keep looking. There’s nothing coming from the south.
2. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Earth is a hallucination, podcasts are dreams.
3. There’s a special place in Hell. It’s really hip. Very exclusive.
4. What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.
5. A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.
6. Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?
7. It must be 3.23pm somewhere. Maybe space?
8. We are living in an immaterial world (a ghost world) and I am an immaterial girl (a ghost).
9. “Nice bolo tie!” is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
10. Eating meat is a difficult moral decision. Because it’s stolen, that meat. You should apologise.
11. Today is the last day of your life, up to this point.
12. Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.
13. I’d never join a pen15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
14. Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.
15. One incorporeal body said to the other, “I’m not here too. Make friends?”
16. If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?
17. Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.
18. Find more ways to work “plinth” into daily conversation.
19a. Step one: write down the names of everyone you know. Step two: rearrange the letters. Step three: this will reveal a great secret of time.
19b. Step one: seperate your lips. Step two: use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth. Step three: widen your eyes. This is how to be happy.
20. Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.
21. Ask your doctor if right is left for you.
22. If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.
23. Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young, and administer brief electrical shocks.
24. The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is broadway puppyball. The most weird game is esoteric bear.
25. Fun game: say “toy boat” over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society, and live on alms. Whisper “toy boat” as you die.
26. The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.
27. Production oversight by Torey Malatia, who is holding a small locket. He’s not speaking, he’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?